This sucks

I gave my mum a fright today. I called her and she could tell that something was wrong from my voice (it's great how mums can do that, isn't it?!) and she was worried that Adam had split up with me.

Actually, it's kind of the opposite. We had a lovely night out for dinner and drinks (lots of drinks!) and he was lovely, as usual. He told me he loves me very much :o) But he also said at the end of the night that he won't be able to think about moving to the UK for at least 5 years until he gets his business established.

We haven't discussed the future before; well not where we'll live anyway. It's only been 3.5 months!! But actually, it was something that needed to be said.

I had just assumed that if I could get through one more year here (a year feels manageable) we'd be able to move to London together. I don't really know why I thought that apart from that it's what I want to do. Maybe I was trying to fool myself. I don't know.

I burst into tears when he said it and actually I've been crying most of today as well. I guess the good thing is that he knew without me saying that I wanted us to move to the UK. And he's thinking about it as a possibility for the future. He likes the UK.

But.... it really makes a difference for me. 5 years? It's such a long time and it might be never. I might have to live here without my friends and family and cat forever. I mean there's practical things as well. I could feasably ask Holly to look after Alfie for another year but for 5 years?? That's a long time. They might feel that's too long and then he'll need to be rehomed. I really miss him. It would be too traumatic for him to be flown out here. I have furniture in storage too. I could hang onto it for another year, but again, 5 is just too long. It costs about 150GBP a month so in 5 years I could have saved enough to buy new furniture anyway.

I know none of this should be a shock to me really. But it is. It feels really traumatic. I feel like I have to give up so much. the excel modelling course I planned to do. I thought I'd be delaying it for a year only. I want to buy another property too and I don't think I can do that here.

This is just so hard and so painful. I can't quite believe it really. I feel in shock. I'm ready to go home, you know? I've had my adventure and I want to go home. I never wanted to live here permanently. And now I'm stuck on the other side of the bloody world bawling my eyes out and I know I have to be here for years and years, or go home and be miserable and heart broken without Adam. This sucks.

Mind you, I wouldn't even consider it if Adam wasn't worth it. He is.

I know, I'm probably being a drama queen. I'm just having to get my head round it is all. I'll probably feel better in a few days.

Do you want to help make me feel better? I bet you do. Here's what you can do - sell up and move to Wellington. If you were all here then it would be fine :o)

Miss you guys.

xxxx

He loves me, he loves me not.... he loves me, he loves me not....

Well I have had a few messages confirming that it is actually more than just my mum reading this - thanks people :o) That was the motivation I needed...

I am going to embarrass Adam again... well, if and when he ever gets around to reading this :o)

He said it!!!!!

We were falling asleep late on Friday night and we'd been out and had a few drinks..... he was talking and I'll confess that I'm not sure exactly what he was saying right before.... something about not wanting to hurt or upset people... and then he said 'especially not the person I love' and there was a pause during which I was suddenly much more awake and holding my breath, thinking 'does he mean me, or is he about to talk about his mum or something?' and then he kissed my shoulder and whispered 'because I do, you know'.

This has made me feel rather happy :o)

We also had our first sort of fight, which was really only a discussion, in a very gorwn up kind of way and actually seemed like a healthy thing to be doing, so I'm not worried about that. I just got a slight telling off which, thinking about it afterwards, I agree I probably deserved. I guess I'm not perfect after all!! It's still all a bit new to me, this couple stuff - doing it properly anyway.

It is 4 weeks today until I leave for south america. My room is being advertised and it all feels a bit real now. I kind of don't want to go gallivanting off to another continent, with a massive heavy backpack and not knowing anyone again. I feel like I want to say 'ok, that's enough, I made my point, I went off and had my adventure and even found my 'Kiwi prince' along the way. Can I go home yet?'

But I know, it'll be amazing. The tour I'm doing includes a stay in the Amazon Jungle and visiting Machu Picchu. Not something you get to do every day!

And I can officially confirm that Adam is coming to the UK for a holiday -  we're doing Kent, London, Scotland, Barcelona and Vegas on the way home. And I will be accompanying him home for another 12 months here.

Well... you've got to just really go for things sometimes, haven't you? :o)

xxx

Sorry!

I know it's been a while since the last post and I apologise to anyone waiting for one (unlikely though that seems to me!). my family have finally got in on the skype act and so I've been chatting to them with a video camera about 3 times a week and hence the need to post has been less as honestly, I get the feeling that it's mostly just my mum who looks on here :o) Hi mum!!


Also there seems less to say as well. Everything is generally going very well. I had a bit of a freak out and about me and Adam the other day... nothing he did and all about  me reading into things too far, but i had a little chat with my brother and he completely understood what I meant - and also had a good e-mail heart to heart with my friend Lou and that all helped a lot. To be honest I've almost forgotten what it was that set me off!!


It's all very good now, Adam and I are getting on amazingly well and spending almost all the time together at the moment. We've just come back from 5 days in Dunedin for his sister's 40th birthday. It was a lovely party, nice to see his family and very fun to catch up with his friends. Poor Adam had allergies though and felt quite poorly.


Um... the jewellery course is going well. I'm doing lots of enforced cleaning too. The rota here is quite incredible and it's just got more complicated. Here's a photo:

Here are some more photos of Dunedin - the cake, Adam's friends and me plus my lovely boyfriend!

the cake

Adam and his friends Mike and Bob

Adam and me at his sister's 40th

What's pancake day?

It's Pancake Day!

They don't really have it over here. Nor in lots of other countries as it turns out. I never really thought of that, assumed it was a common thing.

I had one savoury pancake with a chicken, pepper and onion cream mixture, and two sweet ones, one with syrup and one with banana and chocolate cream. Yummy!!!

Er.... my stories seem to be drying up :o( Maori lesson number 3 today and I did a good mihi I think (greeting, where I talk about my mountain and my river and things and name all my family and my tribe). Personal training session 11 of 18 tomorrow morning. Day 16 of no smoking today. Hopfully can start the silver jewellery course on Thursday, if the woman running it is better.

Um.... spent the weekend with Adam and his parents, who were visiting. That was nice. Adam is ridiculously busy, poor thing, but anyway, he's doing really well for himself and that's a very exciting thing. Played some pool on Sunday with a new-ish friend. Got beaten 3 times but never mind, he is quite good and I am out of practice!

I've realised I have about 7 weeks left in NZ. It's suddenly starting to go quickly which is strange, but does help with the homesickness, as do the new skype sessions with family who have gotten webcams and microphones installed.

I shall try and think of something interesting to say next time :o)

xxx

Homesick

All I have to say today is this, I think it's a sort of poem:

Homesick, homesick, homesick.

Happy Birthday Lovely Holly. If you're 28 I must be old! :o)

Homesick, homesick, homesick.

Cry. Miss Alfie. Feel awful for abandoning my amazing, gorgeous pussycat.

Chocolate.

Homesick, homesick, homesick.

Lovely boyfriend, thank goodness.

More chocolate.

Homesick.

Sleep. Better in the morning.


xxx

Earthquake...

Hey guys,


Just in case you're worrying having heard the news (if you have!) there was an eqarthquake in Wellington tonight, 4.5, 20 km north of the city, 40km down. I'm fine and actually, although it was the strongest I've felt yet, it wasn't that bad, I don't think the city has any damage. Scary though, we're all a bit jumpy. Glad it wasn't Christchurch again though.

Here are a few photos...

Coromandel - Cathedral Cove

Cathedral Cove - Coromandel

Cathedral Cove - Coromandel

Coromandel

Martinborough vineyard

Rivendell! LOTR

Marinborough national park

Ko Fiona au, No Ranana au.

I am Fiona. I am from London.

There is a bit of Maori for you :o)

I had my second class today and it's getting really hard already. Plus I had my personal training today and I worked harder than ever, I still feel really worn out and it's 8 hours later! But I'm getting better. I incorporated kicking into the boxing moves today, so now I think I can do all the moves as I'm already doing elbows and knees as well as the punching :o)

The jewellery course starts on Thursday and I have an interview for a part-time job tomorrow as well. It's home care for a man who's in a wheel chair, I think he probably has cerebral palsy reading between the lines. It'll just be personal care as well as housework and cooking and whatever else he needs. It should be about 20 hours a week and we can work out a schedule to fit around me, which is good. The money will be about twice my weekly rent, so it'll be good to have that covered plus food and things. Then I can stop spending so much of my savings!

It's also day 9 of no smoking. So I'm feeling kind of happy as well as worn out, I'm keeping busy and getting healthier!

That's all for today, no interesting stories, I'm too tired :o)

xxx