This sucks

I gave my mum a fright today. I called her and she could tell that something was wrong from my voice (it's great how mums can do that, isn't it?!) and she was worried that Adam had split up with me.

Actually, it's kind of the opposite. We had a lovely night out for dinner and drinks (lots of drinks!) and he was lovely, as usual. He told me he loves me very much :o) But he also said at the end of the night that he won't be able to think about moving to the UK for at least 5 years until he gets his business established.

We haven't discussed the future before; well not where we'll live anyway. It's only been 3.5 months!! But actually, it was something that needed to be said.

I had just assumed that if I could get through one more year here (a year feels manageable) we'd be able to move to London together. I don't really know why I thought that apart from that it's what I want to do. Maybe I was trying to fool myself. I don't know.

I burst into tears when he said it and actually I've been crying most of today as well. I guess the good thing is that he knew without me saying that I wanted us to move to the UK. And he's thinking about it as a possibility for the future. He likes the UK.

But.... it really makes a difference for me. 5 years? It's such a long time and it might be never. I might have to live here without my friends and family and cat forever. I mean there's practical things as well. I could feasably ask Holly to look after Alfie for another year but for 5 years?? That's a long time. They might feel that's too long and then he'll need to be rehomed. I really miss him. It would be too traumatic for him to be flown out here. I have furniture in storage too. I could hang onto it for another year, but again, 5 is just too long. It costs about 150GBP a month so in 5 years I could have saved enough to buy new furniture anyway.

I know none of this should be a shock to me really. But it is. It feels really traumatic. I feel like I have to give up so much. the excel modelling course I planned to do. I thought I'd be delaying it for a year only. I want to buy another property too and I don't think I can do that here.

This is just so hard and so painful. I can't quite believe it really. I feel in shock. I'm ready to go home, you know? I've had my adventure and I want to go home. I never wanted to live here permanently. And now I'm stuck on the other side of the bloody world bawling my eyes out and I know I have to be here for years and years, or go home and be miserable and heart broken without Adam. This sucks.

Mind you, I wouldn't even consider it if Adam wasn't worth it. He is.

I know, I'm probably being a drama queen. I'm just having to get my head round it is all. I'll probably feel better in a few days.

Do you want to help make me feel better? I bet you do. Here's what you can do - sell up and move to Wellington. If you were all here then it would be fine :o)

Miss you guys.

xxxx